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Cape Town - Twelve Apostels

My story

2013 was the year that fundamentally changed my life. It was the year in which I decided to terminate my pregnancy and send my child's soul back home. I was already 9 weeks pregnant when I went to see the doctor. Since I had had what I had thought to be my period, my pregnancy went unnoticed for quite a while. It wasn't until my body showed obvious symptoms that I realized what was going on. I immediately bought a test. The result was clear, as was my shock. My decision to not give birth to my child was made within milliseconds. I was astonished by my horrified reaction to the news. It was as if I was watching someone else as if in a movie. 


​About a year earlier I had moved from Switzerland to South Africa. During a 3-month vacation, I not only fell in love with the country but also with my then boyfriend. We were together for nearly 2 years before I broke up with him. Our approaches to life were too different. This caused a lot of tension. Not only did I lack emotional support and received the bare minimum of financial stability from him, I had no expectation of a happy future with him either. After a very unstable relationship, I finally broke up with him for good. That was just weeks before I found out that I was pregnant. Although we hadn't spoken a single word in a while, I reached out to him right after I took the pregnancy test as I wanted him to know that we are expecting a child together. Even though I had already made up my mind, I was still hoping for a happy ending. Maybe I wasn't pregnant at all, maybe the test was wrong, maybe I would still change my mind. I was in denial. I couldn't and didn't want to make this decision all by myself, after all it was his child too. I longed for his support and opinion as I couldn't find the courage to confide in anyone but him. Once I told him about the pregnancy, he immediately told me he wanted us to start a family together and loved the baby with all his heart. He would have loved to get to know it in person. "Love alone is enough; shelter, money and general stability in life are secondary", he said. "Not in a country like South Africa", I replied. None of his reasoning and attempts to do so could change my mind. My decision was based on what I knew of him from our relationship. Fearing he would be overwhelmed by his responsibilities as a father and that sooner or later he would disappear from our lives, I decided against the pregnancy. I wanted to spare this little soul the pain of feeling abandoned by its own father. It was a pain that I knew too well as I had carried it inside me for years.

Travelling is a huge and essential part of who I am. Meeting new people and learning about their culture has not only helped me change my point of view on a lot of things but above all revise my beliefs. What we value as tradition here by us is unthinkable in other parts of this world. 

​Since I was already so far along in my pregnancy, the only way to terminate it was through surgical a procedure. While I was lying in the examination room, I literally felt my child's soul disconnecting from its tiny body. I wanted to run out of the clinic and not go on with the surgery, but I was paralyzed. My mind blocked any movement in my body while my heart was bleeding. I mentally connected with my child, asking for  forgiveness and said my goodbye. Never in a million years would I have envisaged myself in a situation like this. The old me used to judge others for taking this decision because I didn't understand. Because no one understands unless they are experiencing it themselves.


Once the procedure was over, the pregnancy rarely crossed my mind for the first few years. I lived life to the fullest, stayed in Cape Town for a while before taking a 1-year sabbatical in the Czech Republic, my father's home country. I enjoyed my life and continued to live a carefree existence. However, memories and guilt started to creep in once I settled back home in Switzerland. At first, I had a lot of trouble accepting that I had had an abortion. I couldn't identify with it for a long time. But once I did, it was the start of a lengthy grieving process. Even though I did not regret my decision, it affected me palpably. I found myself in a never ending grieving process, dealing with it all by myself. I was shattered, but I had to keep up appearances so that nobody would find out about my dark hidden secret. The loneliness and the fear of not being able to reveal what I was going through caused even more stress. It was only a few years later that I opened up about it to a handful people. One of them was a good friend of mine who had also recently just had an abortion. We exchanged our stories and just listened, free from any judgement. She was the only one that truly understood me. The others encouraged me to seek professional help as they themselves did not know how to deal with this situation, or what words to choose to ease my pain. It took another year and a great deal of courage before I sought out professional help. However, to my surprise, I couldn't find any.


By acknowledging what I had experienced, I was able to allow all my feelings to express freely. As anger, sadness, and self-loathing slowly faded, I was ready to ask ground-breaking questions as to why this has happened. The real reasons. Finding out what subconscious beliefs I carried in me helped me transform my negative emotions into love and gratitude. Everything happens for a reason and external circumstances reflect our inner world. When I accepted my child's visit as a blessing, the way I looked at things changed. I chose not to have my baby because I wanted to protect it from feeling abandoned by its own father. Yes, my boyfriend at the time promised to be there forever and to love our child unconditionally, but an inner film reel played in my head showing me how he would be overwhelmed by his responsibilities and that sooner or later he would disappear from our lives. Unfortunately, I cannot say whether this would have become true or how much I hurt him by terminating my pregnancy. However, at that exact moment in time, I was experiencing the pain my child would be facing and I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I tried to protect my child from this pain. For me this was the truth I believed to be true for a long time. It was only many years later that I realized that the pregnancy reflected what really needed healing, namely my own unresolved relationship with my father. My child's soul volunteered to bring me back into balance. The abortion helped me to dissolve my emotional blockages.


I am convinced that we are here on earth to learn, to grow and to experience. Perfectionism is not only a construct of the mind but one that is upheld by contemporary society. It is impossible to accomplish it how we want. We are shaped and expected to go through life obeying society’s questionable standards. To do so can make you believe that everything you do is a mistake. But I say, there are no mistakes at all. Every single situation gives you an opportunity to grow. I decided a long time ago not to judge others for their path as everyone writes their own story. During my darkest times, I contacted two outstanding mediums. Both comforted me with incredible powerful and healing words. With the latter I did a 2-year apprenticeship as a profiler and mental coach. During this time, I not only learned to recognize and perceive the feelings of my clients, but above all my own. While I was grieving, I changed my outlook on life. I questioned the widespread belief patterns in today's society, my family and, most importantly, my own.

Today I feel nothing but unconditional gratitude for my experience. It inspired me to start this organization for all those who are still facing negative thoughts and confusing emotions about their abortion. Together we can be there for each other. Together we heal.

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